Why Pakistan Isn't Going Anywhere

Its probably for the best that we don't have a State-of-the-Union-type Presidential speech in Pakistan. Can you imagine what a morose monologue it would be? The President's talking points could be:

Record breaking death toll from terrorism

Increasing power crisis in country

Bleak outlook for water availability in future

Rising inflation

Falling exports

Rising militancy

Falling public confidence

Rising import bill

Falling investment

and so on. You get the general idea.

One of the reasons we aren't going to go anywhere as a country - I do not use the word nation, for reasons I shall shortly expound upon) - is the absolute and complete incompetence of those who sit gallantly in the provincial and national assemblies. In fact, so incompetent is our government that when we come across someone who actually knows what he's talking about and is actually worth his salt, we are prone to hero-worship. Case in point: Mustafa Kamal, the nazim of Karachi. The gentleman is dedicated, intelligent, rather persuasive and has truck-loads of initiative. All the things that are absolutely the bare minimum requirement for someone in his position. However, so shocked are we at seeing these capabilities in him that people are ready to worship the man and keep wondering what will happen to Karachi now that he is no longer at the helm of affairs.

Another reason why we're not going anywhere - anytime soon, at least - is the 'nation'. Yes, us Pakistanis.

First of all, the word nation means: a large aggregate of people united in common descent, beliefs, history, culture, territorial boundaries, language. And therein lies the problem: we aren't united in any way - least of all in the ways defined above. So, in effect, we are 'a large aggregate of people'. Which, interestingly, is also the definition of "crowd". And that's why I prefer the word crowd over the word nation, when talking about Pakistanis.

Coming back to the second reason for the lack of any kind of positive or upward movement in the country/crowd: the people. Those who read the Dawn newspaper, and those who read it this Sunday, were treated to sight not seen everyday. A crocodile, in Karachi zoo, with something red splattered on his head.

And no, it wasn't the blood of some unsuspecting victim. It was 'paan ki peak'. I'm not kidding. If you haven't seen it, go to dawn.com and check out the e-paper section. Its right there.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the sorry state that we're in. What in the world would compel someone to spit paan at a crocodile? What if the crocodile was not enclosed behind bars? Would they be so daring on a level playing field? Now, THAT is something I'd like to see.

Here's something else that makes you confused about wanting to laugh or cry:

In the midst of uncertainty that surrounds everything today, I salute this officer for literally putting his life on the line to protect worshippers. But that he is using a charpoy as a shield/barrier is just... funny in a sickening sort of way.

I've said it before and here it is again: we simply aren't equipped to protect ourselves from... ourselves. I guess for most of us, its a battle to get through the day, go to sleep, wake up and start a brand new battle.

Represention

I am sure that the spelling of the title is as upsetting for you as it is for my word processor. I could almost hear it wincing as I typed in the offending word. This spelling, however, obviously doesn't upset anyone in Pantene. It is displayed for a few seconds on their new TVC, which on air these days. As I saw it last night, I found myself incredulous at the spelling - which, in its own way, was an interesting 'represenTAtion' of attention to details.

Details, details, details.

Speaking of detail, check out this incredible set of photographs. Miloslav Druckmuller is a veteral eclipse hunter, who travels the world in search of eclipses. He shoots them - with a camera. In August 2008, he shot a series of 38 images in Mongolia, which have been edited into a photo-montage.

These incredible pictures show the solar corona that makes up the sun's atmosphere. It is normally invisible to the naked eye because of the sun's brightness - but during an eclipse, the corona comes alive in all its glory. It is as dangerous as it is beautiful: whipped into gigantic swirls by the sun's magnetic fields, the sea of hydrogen gas is at about 10,000 degrees celsius and stretches for about a million miles in each direction.

Absolutely stunning, isn't it?

You can see more of his work here: http://www.zam.fme.vutbr.cz/~druck/eclipse/

Disasters in Mid Air and More

Like all great mid air disasters, this one began on the ground. Deep in the offices of PIA, somewhere, someone had the bright idea of restarting the discontinued Hamsafar inflight magazine. I heard initially that it was perhaps outsourced to a private group recently, but given the last issue I saw on my flight back from Islamabad last week, this is NOT the case anymore.

To say that the magazine can be improved would be... the understatement of the decade. 

I will not complain about the quality of writing. Similarly, I will refrain about quibbling about the absurd overall design and layout. I will even not talk about the deplorable quality of the pictures used in it. I will just say one word:

Jokes.

The damned thing has jokes in it. For crying out loud people, what kind of document did you think you're putting together? A children's magazine? I mean seriously - JOKES? Have we such a supreme dearth of content that we're going to resort to using mundane (and not very funny) one liner jokes in the inflight magazine of the national airline?

In a world where we're competing with airlines like Gulf Air, Emirates, Qatar and Oman Air, this is the best we can come up with. As far as airlines go, I think inflight magazines follow a very simple principle: either do it right, or don't do it. My advice to the learned folks at PIA: please don't do it. Because obviously, to out-source it to someone who actually knows what they're doing is not an option (for some God-forsaken reason that I cannot think of).

And while we're on the topic of people not knowing what they're doing, what is up with KESC's advertising agency? Their ad boldly warns all electricity thieves that "they could be fined or go to jail".

Tsk tsk.

Its either "they could face fines or go to jail" or "they could be fined or sent to jail". You can't just mix and match at will. Not only do I find it hard to believe that no one at the advertising agency fixed this, I also find it pretty incredible that not a single person at KESC spotted this glaring error- which has been on TV and radio for some time now. 

And here's something funny I spotted while at dinner last night - the back of a Sucral sweetener packet. Check out the name of the manufacturer... Father & Sons!

Things like these are funny on some level, but they also make me sad. Because its not as if the resources aren't there: there are people who could design an outstanding Hamsafar magazine, or write an ad without a glaring error or suggest a company name that's somewhat more... more anything, really, than Father and Sons.

But while we have resources, it seems we lack the one thing we need the most - the ability to save ourselves, from ourselves.

On Monday Mornings

Imagine my absolute shock this morning when I attempted to beat the Monday morning blues with some good old fashioned positive thinking - and discovered that, in fact, there is a scientific explanation for the dreaded Monday morning blues.

Apparently, our internal body clocks operate on a day thats actually longer than 24 hours. And so, by the time Monday comes around every week, we've built up a sleep deficit of at least an hour. Naturally, the late night reveleries of the weekend don't really help - and neither does the thought of yet another week at work. (If you're reading this on a monday morning, don't try to get into the calculations, just take my word for it, ok?)

The internet kicks in at this point, to provide the ever-so-helpful tips on beating the monday morning blues:

1. Sleep an extra hour on Mondays.

I don't even know where to start on this one. Obviously, the absolute moron writing these "tips" doesn't exist in the real world, where there are things such as Monday Morning Meetings (also known as Monday Mourning Meetings). 

2. Take action on Sunday night to shorten your morning preparation time, i.e. pack your lunch, lay out your clothes, etc.

What? Is he actually suggesting that I do all these things the night before, therefore appearing to be a complete loser who has nothing better to do on a Sunday night? And does this person actually realize that all of these things are actually legitimate reasons for being late on a Monday? (Come on, we all know that we LOVE to rationalize being late, even if just to ourselves)

3. Hop out of bed the moment you wake up on a Monday morning.

I swear to God, I wish I could meet this person right now. I have a nice, heavy, solid metal clock on my desk that is just dying to make violent acquaintance with this person's head. Possibly the only thing that makes Monday mornings less painful are those few extra minutes spent under the covers!

4. Take a cold shower.

No comment. 

5. Get out in the sunlight so your body 'knows its certainly morning'

Seriously, no comment.

6. Anticipate your monday morning from Friday afternoon, in order to prepare yourself mentally, which should reduce the depression.

Ok, its official. This absolutely and utter fool in his (or her) perfect and undiluted stupidity is a lonely loser, probably weighs in excess of 400 pounds and therefore has no life. Only someone fitting this description would suggest that anyone should start their Monday Morning Blues on Friday.

So, to set the record straight, here's my take on how to beat the Monday Morning Blues:

Tip 1: Don't be afraid to have a 'lie in' on a Monday. You deserve those extra few minutes under the covers because you're about to work your ass off in the coming five days.

Tip 2: Sing in the shower. Specially helpful if you sing completely off key, senseless songs about how you'd like to disembowel your boss.

Tip 3: Have a huge breakfast. Thats 'Rational Explanation for Being Late # 1'.

Tip 4: Make it a point to have a long, meaningful conversation with your cat/dog/parrot/crocodile about the absolute uselessness of their existence. If you don't have a pet, get one.

Tip 5: Once at work, engage in long discussions of how you spent your weekends (spare your colleagues the gory details of your private life though, they're seriously not interested).

Tip 6: Put off opening up your email programme for as long as you can.

Tip 7: Go through the careers section of the newspaper and fantasize about all the cool jobs you could be doing if you weren't stuck in this one (even though you know that you're lucky to have this job and you are too useless to be employed anywhere else).

Following this 7 step regime should result in a gradual decrease of the depression one feels on Monday mornings. As a side-effect, it may have some resultant negative implications on your job and future employment. If you experience such symptoms, discontinue regime immediately.

Oh and if the writer of the original tips is reading this article - maybe you need to look up: How to Get A Life. If that doesn't work out for you, try: How to Kill Yourself.

Have a great week.