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Imagine my absolute shock this morning when I attempted to beat the Monday morning blues with some good old fashioned positive thinking - and discovered that, in fact, there is a scientific explanation for the dreaded Monday morning blues.
Apparently, our internal body clocks operate on a day thats actually longer than 24 hours. And so, by the time Monday comes around every week, we've built up a sleep deficit of at least an hour. Naturally, the late night reveleries of the weekend don't really help - and neither does the thought of yet another week at work. (If you're reading this on a monday morning, don't try to get into the calculations, just take my word for it, ok?)
The internet kicks in at this point, to provide the ever-so-helpful tips on beating the monday morning blues:
1. Sleep an extra hour on Mondays.
I don't even know where to start on this one. Obviously, the absolute moron writing these "tips" doesn't exist in the real world, where there are things such as Monday Morning Meetings (also known as Monday Mourning Meetings).
2. Take action on Sunday night to shorten your morning preparation time, i.e. pack your lunch, lay out your clothes, etc.
What? Is he actually suggesting that I do all these things the night before, therefore appearing to be a complete loser who has nothing better to do on a Sunday night? And does this person actually realize that all of these things are actually legitimate reasons for being late on a Monday? (Come on, we all know that we LOVE to rationalize being late, even if just to ourselves)
3. Hop out of bed the moment you wake up on a Monday morning.
I swear to God, I wish I could meet this person right now. I have a nice, heavy, solid metal clock on my desk that is just dying to make violent acquaintance with this person's head. Possibly the only thing that makes Monday mornings less painful are those few extra minutes spent under the covers!
4. Take a cold shower.
No comment.
5. Get out in the sunlight so your body 'knows its certainly morning'
Seriously, no comment.
6. Anticipate your monday morning from Friday afternoon, in order to prepare yourself mentally, which should reduce the depression.
Ok, its official. This absolutely and utter fool in his (or her) perfect and undiluted stupidity is a lonely loser, probably weighs in excess of 400 pounds and therefore has no life. Only someone fitting this description would suggest that anyone should start their Monday Morning Blues on Friday.
So, to set the record straight, here's my take on how to beat the Monday Morning Blues:
Tip 1: Don't be afraid to have a 'lie in' on a Monday. You deserve those extra few minutes under the covers because you're about to work your ass off in the coming five days.
Tip 2: Sing in the shower. Specially helpful if you sing completely off key, senseless songs about how you'd like to disembowel your boss.
Tip 3: Have a huge breakfast. Thats 'Rational Explanation for Being Late # 1'.
Tip 4: Make it a point to have a long, meaningful conversation with your cat/dog/parrot/crocodile about the absolute uselessness of their existence. If you don't have a pet, get one.
Tip 5: Once at work, engage in long discussions of how you spent your weekends (spare your colleagues the gory details of your private life though, they're seriously not interested).
Tip 6: Put off opening up your email programme for as long as you can.
Tip 7: Go through the careers section of the newspaper and fantasize about all the cool jobs you could be doing if you weren't stuck in this one (even though you know that you're lucky to have this job and you are too useless to be employed anywhere else).
Following this 7 step regime should result in a gradual decrease of the depression one feels on Monday mornings. As a side-effect, it may have some resultant negative implications on your job and future employment. If you experience such symptoms, discontinue regime immediately.
Oh and if the writer of the original tips is reading this article - maybe you need to look up: How to Get A Life. If that doesn't work out for you, try: How to Kill Yourself.
Have a great week.
